


Where My Demons Hide

by spectacular_sociopath



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Demon!Dean, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 20:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3501926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectacular_sociopath/pseuds/spectacular_sociopath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel didn’t often find himself wishing that angels could sleep. Only when he really wanted to just stop thinking. He’d never felt like this before he’d met the Winchesters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where My Demons Hide

**Author's Note:**

> So this was in my head and I just had to get it out. It's written with flashbacks so everything in bold has already happened and normal text is currently happening. Sorry if it's a little hard to follow. Bear in mind that it's well past midnight, this hasn't been checked over properly and I'm still new to writing fanfiction at all...  
> If there's any mistakes you see then feel free to let me know so I can correct them :)  
> Enjoy :*

* * *

 When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide.

* * *

 Castiel didn't often find himself wishing that angels could sleep. Only when he really wanted to just stop thinking. He’d never felt like this before he’d met the Winchesters.

 

**‘Cas, he’s been down there screaming for hours. Isn’t there anything you can do? Can’t you use your mojo to just force the demon out? There must be-’**

**“There’s nothing, Sam. I've tried everything that I know of and _nothing has worked_.” Cas hissed bitterly, still pacing the corridor outside the dungeon. ‘This might just be one of those things that my ‘angel mojo’ can’t fix. And what’s more, you seem to be forgetting that this isn’t some random demon possessing Dean; this is his soul we’re talking about! Dean _is_ a demon now, Sam!’**

**Both men stopped their hushed bickering and whipped their heads round when a particularly loud cry came from the door next to them. Then there was silence. After a hurried glance at each other, they both dashed for the door, Sam reaching it first and flinging it open. What they hadn't been expecting was for the wooden chair he was tied to to have toppled over with him still on it and for Dean to be writhing in pain on the ground but that was exactly what they saw. Cas went to run to him but Sam gripped his shoulder tightly in warning.**

**‘Easy there, Cas.’ Sam warned, ‘We don’t know what he’s up to.’**

**‘Sam, he’s in pain. Just look at him.’**

**Cas shook Sam off, carried on towards the centre of the devil’s trap where Dean was lying and knelt down beside him.  The angel placed a hand on Dean’s slumped form in the hope of bringing some kind of comfort to what was left of the human inside his body. Instead, he only seemed to cause more pain as the demon, as well as it could while still being bound to the chair, flinched away from the touch and jerked Dean's head out of the reach of the angel. Cas was disappointed by not being able to ease the pain of the sorry man before him but something on the neck of the thrashing figure caught his attention. It looked as though black smoke was oozing out of a small puncture in the skin just above his collarbone.**

 

Admittedly, he’d never known what it was like to feel happy and free before he’d met the Winchesters either. He was an angel, after all; angels weren't designed to know freedom. But was his freedom worth this much affliction?

 

**‘Sam, come look at this. This mark on the side of his neck, do you recognise it?’**

**‘It looks like demon smoke,’ Sam murmured, ‘It can’t be, can it?’**

**Cas simply shrugged his shoulders as the two of them watched the smoke continued to leak from Dean’s neck and disappear off into the air.**

**Abruptly, the demon they were both staring at so curiously seemed to become aware of the presence of company and slowly swivelled its head round to reveal a twisted grimace. It was easy to tell that, while the demon was trying to come across as being in complete control of the situation, he was still in agony for a reason unknown to Cas and Sam as of yet. The smug smirk remained on the demon’s face as his mouth opened and a clearly strained but still mocking voice made its way out.**

**‘Hiya, Sammy.’**

 

Cas had decided a long time ago that the Winchesters were worth all of the trouble they had caused him. They were his friends. The only true friends he’d ever had and he’d be damned if he was letting anything happen to them even if it meant falling from heaven, losing his wings, even dying. He’d do it all for his friends. Whatever it took to keep them safe.

 

**Outside the dungeon again, Sam and Cas continued their hushed discussion but this time there was another matter they needed to work out. Sam was churning out questions faster than Castiel could possibly even think about answering them.**

**‘What would it mean if the demon smoke’s actually coming out, then? Is he being cured? Will he be okay? Will-’**

**‘I don’t know, Sam!’ Cas burst out, patience all but gone, ‘I don’t have all the answers! He might be getting better. He might be being poisoned from the inside by his own soul in the form of a sadistic demon. Either way something is happening to him and I’d like to find out what it is.’**

**There was quiet between them for some time now while they both contemplated what could have happened to cause the appearance of the black smoke. It was silent until Sam spoke up in an uneasy voice.**

**‘Maybe it was the blood.’**

**Cas stopped and looked at Sam. That was a point they hadn't considered. Maybe before, when they’d been trying to cure Dean by injecting him with human blood and they’d thought it hadn't worked, it just hadn't had enough time to kick in? Maybe that’s what was causing the smoke.**

**‘What if it just takes a while to get working? Cas, he’s being cured! He’s getting better!’**

**Sam started to unlock the door back into the dungeon but Cas' shot out and hand slammed it shut again.**

**‘You can’t go in there.  If there’s a demon loose in that room then it’s not safe for you.’ Cas took a deep breath, ‘I’ll go. There’s some kind of incantation needed to finish the ritual, isn’t there?’**

**‘It’s in one of the Men of Letters' books. I’ll go get it. You sure you’re up to this, Cas?’**

**‘Of course, Sam. That’s Dean in there. I have to do this.’ Cas responded earnestly.**

**The taller man nodded and headed to the library to find the book with the incantation in.**

 

For a long time, Cas’ life had been entirely centred around the Winchesters. He’d given up his previous life to help them so what else was there, really? Not that he minded. He’d said it himself; he was always happy to bleed for the Winchesters. Dean especially had turned out to be a good friend of his which, really was what Cas had always wanted. A friend. It just hadn't occurred to him that he could become so emotionally invested in one human.

 

**Cas stood just outside the devil’s trap that spanned most of the room. He was holding the book that Sam had found for him with the incantation in. Not all that long ago, Cas wouldn't have hesitated before finishing the ritual. Now though, he was aware of the fact that it might not work and that it was entirely possible that Dean wouldn't survive it, human or otherwise.**

**He came to the conclusion that, if Dean was still in there, he wouldn't want to live like this. He was doing this for Dean. What was left of him.**

**_‘Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus. Hance animam redintegra, lustra! Lustra!’_ **

**Cas tried his hardest to block out the sound of Dean screaming in agony. His Dean. In pain because of him.**

**After repeating the incantation four times, Cas had almost given up on it working. He would have stopped if the steady flow of shrieking hadn't continued to give him some hope that it was having an effect. The ritual wouldn't affect a human like this so the demon part of Dean was obviously still in there. Amongst the cries of pain, there were bouts of manic laughter. This worried Castiel more than the screaming because it seemed like the demon was in control. Even enjoying it. What if he was only hurting human Dean?**

**‘You really think that’s gonna work?’ Cackled the demon, ‘Why should this work when _everything else_ you've tried didn't? You should know by now that the old Dean ain’t comin’ back! He’s gone and there’s nothin’ you can do abou-’**

**The demon was stopped mid-taunt by a stream of white light spilling out of his mouth and his head being thrown back with the force. The light was so bright that Cas was forced to turn away and cover his eyes. When he came to look back towards the Devil’s trap, there was Dean. Still bound to the chair, his head lolling to the side and seemingly unconscious.**

**‘Sam! Sam, I think it’s over!’ Cried Castiel in the direction of the closed door.**

**He knew it was over now but so far, he couldn’t tell what the outcome was. Sam came rushing into the room and, together, they began to approach the still body of the older Winchester. Just as Sam was about to place a hand on his brother’s shoulder, Dean slowly opened his eyes and Cas was so incredibly relieved to see that all trace of blackness was gone leaving only the leaf green eyes he had grown so fond of.**

 

Today was no different to any other day. Cas would go and visit Dean, he’d wish he was able to sleep so he could get a few hours away from the dangers of his own mind, he might help Sam with some research but Sam wasn’t up for much of that these days. It seemed like he’d lost his faith in trying to cure or even help people by the effect that being cured had had on Dean. Cas couldn’t blame him really. Dean was never the same after being cured.

 

**It had been weeks since anyone had heard Dean speak or seen him leave his room other than to use the bathroom. It wasn’t like Sam and Cas hadn’t tried, it was just that they didn’t seem to be getting through to him. He would lie in bed and they could speak to him until they lost their voices and there was still no kind of a response. The most either of them had got was parts of the meals Sam left on Dean’s bedside table going missing. At least he was eating a little.**

**The last thing that Dean had said to either of them was just after he'd been cured. At first, Dean had seemed happy. He’d had a beautiful, genuine smile on his face. Then, slowly, slowly it had been replaced by what Cas could now recognise as the face Dean made when he was trying not to show how much he was hurting. He remembered everything he'd done as a demon.**

**After being untied and leaving the dungeon, Dean headed straight for his bedroom. Sam had tried to persuade him to spend some time with them.**

**‘Sammy, I just need some time.’ Had been Dean’s response. Nothing else. Nothing else had been said.**

**That was until one day, when Cas went to see Dean in his room. Cas had had an argument with Sam earlier that day about Dean. Voices had been raised, insults had been batted around and no conclusion had been reached; they’d both just ended up angry. This meant that, by the time Cas entered the bedroom of the older Winchester, he was already not up for their normal 'chat'.** **As you might expect, the conversation wasn’t quite as light-hearted as it usually was. Cas was angry and he made no attempt to hide this fact.**

**‘Can you at least acknowledge that you can hear me when I talk to you? I don’t need a verbal response, just some eye contact maybe? Even a nod? No, of course not. The great Dean Winchester is too-’**

**‘What do you want me to do, Cas?’ Came a vicious sounding voice from the direction of the bed. ‘Personally, I’m pretty sure I did enough when I was, y’know, _a demon_.’**

**‘So that’s it?’ Cas spat, ‘You feel sorry for yourself? We tried for months to cure you and all you can do now that it finally works is wallow in your own self pity?’**

**Dean stood up now and started towards Cas. ‘Self pity? That’s what you think this is? Do you even know the things I did when I went dark-side? I killed people, Cas, innocent people. And for what? For fun? Hell, I just wanted to have a good time, consequences be damned. Now, I’m sorry if you can’t see why I might be a little off and maybe not want to have these heartfelt talks with you but for now, you’re just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it. You come in here every day and talk and talk and talk for hours some days with no response and you still can't seem to get the message. I'm broken, Cas, and there's nothing you can do to help me. No amount of talking it out is gonna make it better so you may as well just quit trying and leave me the hell alone.’**

**Dean was less than a foot away now and Cas didn’t know how to react. He opened his mouth to say something but then thought better of it and decided on what seemed like a better option at the time. He ran away. He used his ‘angel mojo’ and zapped himself away. He’d never seen Dean so angry and upset and he just couldn’t talk to him when he was like that.**

**If he’d realised just how much Dean really needed to talk to somebody, anybody then he may not have been so quick to get out of there.**

 

Cas wandered through the library to the shelf where Dean kept the tiny replica of Baby and picked it up.  He remembered Sam telling him how protective Dean was of his ‘tiny baby’, as he liked to call it, and wondered why Dean had never told him about it. Sam had been the one to explain how it was one of Dean’s most precious belongings. Castiel smiled gently and decided to take tiny baby with him when he visited Dean today. Maybe it could cheer Cas up even if not Dean.

 

**He hadn’t been back to see Sam and Dean in over a week. He couldn’t face going back and seeing Dean like he was. As his friend, Cas felt like he should really go and see what he could do to help Dean but he was too weak. Too weak to see the destruction that damned demon had left behind. Too weak to put himself through the pain of the one person he'd ever truly trusted lashing out at him.**

**Cas was so weak, in fact, that it was another few days until there was any kind of contact between him and the Winchesters. That contact came in the worst possible form.**

 

Making his way out of the bunker, Cas decided to walk to Dean today rather than fly. He liked the feel of the late afternoon sun on his back. As he walked, he examined the tiny 1967 Chevy Impala gently cradled in his hands and thought back to Dean’s real car. Sam took good care of Baby. He didn’t know as much as Dean, though and Cas couldn’t help feeling like Sam missed something and that Dean wouldn’t like the way his baby was being treated. The least they owed him was to look after his car. After everything.

 

**It was a prayer. The younger Winchester was praying to Castiel. It wasn’t the usual hurried ‘Cas, we need help’ prayer. No, this one was different. Sam was taking his time trying to tell him something. It seemed like he was trying to ease Cas into it. Cas couldn't hear the prayer properly, though and it wasn’t making sense to him, though so he decided to fly to the bunker to see what was happening.**

**He was not expecting what he saw when he arrived in Sam's bedroom. Sam was curled up on his bed with tears rolling down his face. He wasn’t immediately aware of Cas’ presence but Cas spoke softly so as not to startle him.**

**‘Sam?’ He breathed, ‘what’s wrong, Sam? What happened? Where’s Dean?**

**‘You didn’t hear my prayer?’ Sam choked, looking up from his tear-stained pillow.**

**‘I couldn’t hear it clearly so I came to speak face-to-face. I thought we would understand eachother better that way.’**

**Sam gasped. ‘So, you don’t know?’**

**‘Know what, Sam?’**

**‘About Dean.’ Sam whispered, ‘You don’t know what happened?’**

**Cas shook his head slowly and stepped closer, brow furrowed in worry and this only seemed to make Sam more upset.**

**‘It’s Dean, he’s... Cas- Two days ago, he went out to a vamp’s nest a couple states away on his own. I tried to go with him but he just left, said he wanted to be alone for a bit. He never came back. He’s- Dean’s dead, Cas.’**

**At that moment, it felt like Cas’ whole world had stopped spinning. Everything just stopped. He couldn’t seem to process what Sam had said entirely but somewhere in him, something shattered. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. If Dean was gone, what was the point? He was nothing without Dean; just a fallen angel with a stupid trench coat. There could be no life without Dean. It was then that Cas realised that the thing that had shattered within him was, in fact, his heart.**

 

Cas reached a clearing in the forest he’d been walking in. Just ahead of him was a small but elegantly shaped headstone. As he got closer, the familiar engravings on the surface of the stone came into view.

_Dean Winchester_

_Brother, son and friend_

Sam had engraved it. It may not have seemed perfect to most but Cas knew that Dean would have loved it and so, it was perfect to him.

 ‘I brought someone for you.’ He said, kneeling down and placing the tiny car next to the stone.

‘I miss you, Dean. Every day. I thought I’d never be able to live without you. Turns out I can. It’s not really living, though, is it? Just surviving. Life without life. You were my life, Dean. I love you. I never actually told you but I always have. From the moment I saw your soul. How could I not love you? After all you’ve done for me. I may have been the one to pull you out of hell but you were always the one who saved me.’

The angel stayed a while longer and talked to Dean. It was one-sided but it was almost as if Dean could hear him. Wherever he was.

**Author's Note:**

> The song lyrics at the start were from Demons by Imagine Dragons. This song played a big part in me writing this and if you haven't heard it, I'd recommend you give it a listen :D


End file.
